Can you proofread my five paragraph persuasive essay?

best one proofreading gets the points!any thing wrong please correct thanks.Title:Why I think we should have fewer homework Our school needs fewer homework assignments. In fact, fewer homework reduces the need of staying up late. There are several benefits that could come from the following reasons. First, fewer homework assignments would benefit us all. Researchers have proven it would allow us get more rest time so that we can think better the next day.For this reason, It would give us the energy in school to succeed. Next, fewer homework assignments would benefit our health. If people had fewer homework, they could be more active and participate in a more active lifestyle.Frequently,obesity is a big problem in the United States and around the world. If people spent less time sitting around a desk and more time exercising, maybe we would not have the weight problems we do. Finally, fewer homework assignments would benefit all of us. Surprisingly, nobody really likes homework, we are happier with fewer homework.Sometimes there's really important things to do or your busy doing something else that there's no time for homework, you can do those important things better because you won’t be in a rush. There are many benefits to fewer homework assignments. Fewer homework would be beneficial to everyone. With this in mind, it we would have fewer homework assignments due.

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2 Responses to “Can you proofread my five paragraph persuasive essay?”

  1. donbccp says:

    Title: Change to: Why I think we should have *less* homeworkIntro: It’s way too short. It’s nice and concise the way you have it right now, but you really need to add more. Put in a thesis statement, which is the best thing you can use in a persuasive essay. Read this to help you with the thesis: [external link] … 2nd paragraph: Good, but add just a little bit more. Perhaps a sentence explaining why it would give us “energy to succeed”. People might just go home and watch t.v because they have less homework. How would less homework help that? 3rd paragraph: As I just mentioned, you should explain a little bit more how less homework would specifically help obesity, because many people could just go home and sit on the couch without being active. Address that problem also. 4th paragraph: Great! This is a really good paragraph because you really put in the mood aspect of it all. Conclusion: In the last line, take out the “it”. Perhaps add another two sentences summing THE WHOLE paper up, but it sounds fine the way it is. Good luck and I hope I helped :)

  2. Vedalia says:

    Your paragraphs should be a little longer- about 5 sentences.2nd paragraph: Researchers have proven it would allow us TO get more rest -OR- Researchers have proven that less homework would allow students to get more rest and be more active and participate in a more active lifestyle.Your first sentences for each of the body paragraphs starts with almost the same exact sentence. Try changing it up a little bit. 3rd paragraph: …important things to do or YOU’RE busy…also the second sentence is a little bit wordy and keeps repeating itself…. i think you should rephrase it a little bit. 5th paragraph: you have an extra IT in the third sentence.