Advice with Purdue Essay?

There were three choices and i chose the question..Describe how a Purdue education will help you achieve your personal and/or professional goals.I am really bad at writing and if someone could help me make this more complex or add more information that would be great! i want to get in so bad! I still don't have a conclusion but here is the first half....As a senior at (my high schools name) High school, with graduation approaching, the life-changing decision is consuming every students mind: "Where will I continue my education?" Growing up with a Purdue alumni father, I have attended several entertaining Boilermaker football games as well as tours of the beautiful campus of West Lafayette. Purdue University is the best option to achieve my personal and professional goals. • Receiving a Purdue education would be an extraordinary accomplishment as well as the biggest step to my future. I would love to continue on my education in Apparel Merchandising. As a co-coordinator of (My high school's name)’s annual charity fashion show, I began to have a love for the apparel industry. Choosing the boutiques and each outfit from the stores was my favorite part! The end result of the show was unreal, the fashion club raised $5,000 for Riley Children’s Hospital. I found extreme pride knowing doing what I loved helped several small children become healthier. The Purdue Fashion Association presents a fashion show annually as well and having a future of being apart of this at a college level would be such an achievement!There is no question that I wanted to continue my education onto the college level. Each member of my family has received a college education and I admire their success greatly. I have been lucky enough to grow up in ********* only a few hours away from West Lafayette. Family is a huge importance to my life and knowing I am so close to home yet not too close is very comforting.

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One Response to “Advice with Purdue Essay?”

  1. bombers says:

    There are grammar issues…you start your sentence with you as the subject, but then change to the senior class as the subjectseniors should be senior’si’m not sure about putting with grad approaching in commasdo you want to say alumni (plural) or alumnus (single)is it OF west lafayette or IN w lafayetteand purdue being the best option for your goals has nothing to do with your middle sentences..a paragraph should be cohesive—an opening, middle sentences, and concluding sentence should refer to one idea….maybe if you add a middle sentence in the 1st paragraph about what your goal is and how it relates to Purdue..and conclude it with something like: These points lead me to answer that question with Apparel Merchandising a major?knowing doing? maybe knowing that doing..I’m assuming the Purdue association is part of the college–they know that–you don’t need to tell them….change it to connect yourself to the show…how you could enhance and showcase your skills..maybe Participating in the Purdue show is something I strive to the last paragraph..i would change the growing up sentence to fit better into the paragraph..something like I am lucky enough that my family lives in ********* which is only a few hours from WLapart should be a part