Is this a good opening to an essay for psychology grad school?

One of my greatest career aspirations is to become a Psychologist. I am motivated to enter the field of Psychology because I want to immerse myself in the study of people. I am completely fascinated by the human mind and find myself constantly analyzing the thoughts and behaviors of the people around me. Thus, becoming a Psychologist gives me the opportunity to turn my greatest passion into a career. Any rewrites to help a struggling psy student who is not a good writer is greatly appreciated!

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2 Responses to “Is this a good opening to an essay for psychology grad school?”

  1. lymphopathy says:

    How can you analyse people’s thoughts- unless you are a really good people “reader”; and can tell basically what they are thinking from their actions?Maybe change that to “constantly analysing the behaviours of the people”.

  2. agalloch says:

    The first sentence is to unoriginal to start an essay with. Try something unique about what got you excited about the job or what fascinates you about humans and then elaborate on that. Also how do you know a person’s thoughts unless they have told you?